duckgirlie

DAMMIT ARIA.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins - Magnus Paajarvi - Sam Gagner - …………….

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins is so totally pretty but in a kind of sexless way? THAT SOUNDS SUPER MEAN THOUGH. I’m sure there are loads of people who would want to have sex with him, my problem is just that he looks totally innocent and also as my friend from college would say, that you’d break him in half riding him. (Like, he legit cannot be as fragile as he looks, but damn does he look fragile)

Magnus Paajarvi is super cute! He kind of has a permanent smirk though, so I’m not sure how I would deal with that in my more paranoid moments, but he’s tall and I appreciate that. Also, foreign accents, always a plus (and like I know that I’m not Canadian and so all of these people technically have foreign accents, but just like, no)

Sam Gagner is also pretty cute? IDK what to say here, but like he’s good looking and good at hockey and seems like a very nice guy and all but as far as real life Sam (as opposed to elaborately constructed headcanon Sam) I don’t really have enough feelings for details. So basically: probably would bang, next question.

…

okay so I didn’t even order the last two because fuck you aria that’s why. I am deep in my Taylor Hall shame spiral right now and you’re exploiting that.

LIKE EBS HAS GOTTEN SO ATTRACTIVE THIS YEAR. And like, on the scale of hockey players who are able to have grown-up conversations about things that are not hockey he seems like he’d be up there (and that is totally projecting because like 80% of the things I’ve seen him do are “play hockey” and “talk about hockey” and the other 20% is “gaze longingly at Hallsy”) But like in a slightly more objective sense he is more my type (dark hair, all of his excessive sports-ready body mostly well hidden by clothes, Looks like he might read poetry or at least looks like he might read more poetry then his friends) then Hallsy is and as I’ve said before I don’t want to talk about Hallsy because he is pretty much the exact opposite of my type in every single way and

He is really lucky he can pull off orange. Also like, his face SHOULD NOT WORK (someone said “goldfish/golden retriever” once and that is completely true) BUT HIS SMILE THOUGH (and like, he 79% of the time looks way better in figs then in still shots)

I’m just lucky that he’s definitely getting hotter as he gets older and that he was legit kind of weird looking as a rookie so I don’t fell like a massive creeper looking at pictures of him back then.

GODDAMMIT ARIA

Henrik Sedin - Mikko Koivu - Shawn Horcoff - Gabe Landeskog - Jarome Iginla.

Henrik Sedin is just kind of weird looking, right? And like, I know some people are super into twins but I’d just be terrified I was accidentally having sex with Daniel and they’re not good looking enough for me to be like “whatevs”, you know? Also, their eyes are kind of stare-y in an overly-intense manner and I’d probably feel like he was trying to burn me up Superman-style.

Mikko Koivu I’ve talked about in the last meme, but it’s the same thing - he’s a bit too avuncular. (like, I saw that beige and sky blue argyle sweatervest Mikko, I don’t know what you thought you were doing there) and he seems like a super-lovely person but just not one I’d want to bang at all. Basically, he’d take you out to dinner and be a total gentleman and not even try to drop the hand, even if you were clearly giving off “oh-sorry-that-button-never-stays-closed” vibes. (Seriously, this is the kind of thing that drives a lady to biker bars)

Shawn Horcoff is alright, I guess? He suffers from being on a team crammed full of more attractive people and I even had to google him to remind myself what he looks like (which is terrible because a) I actually follow his team so I should know what he looks like and b) the first autofill was ‘Shawn Horcoff salary’ which is never something people search for unless they think you’re wildly overpaid) but he’s not bad looking at all? He has a nice smile and seems like a nice guy but he’s just not doing much for me.

Gabe Landeskog is super lovely looking! (and man, I’ve been over-using ‘Super’ lately, haven’t I?) But he’s a little fresh-faced for me right now? (and again, this is totally at odds with other people we’re not going to talk about, but IDK it’s just the way it is) GET BACK TO ME IN TEN YEARS GABE WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR LIFE ON YOUR FACE. Right now, you look too pretty for me, like an actor playing a hockey player on tv (not that you aren’t a wonderful hockey player and all that) I do get the feeling you will age wonderfully though so I’m totally not kidding about calling me in ten years. You’ll be 30 then, it’ll be beautiful.

Jarome Iginla is just plain hot. I feel like I should be saying more after my excessively detailed descriptions of half these other people, but like, IGGY NEEDS NO JUSTIFICATION is how I’m rolling with this one. Like, have you seen his smile? And his perfectly-shaped head? And how well he plays hockey when he’s not playing with Geno? AND HIS SMILE? I haven’t actually been able to find any pictures of his arms or I’m sure I’d add those to the list as well

EDIT TO ADD THAT I WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT HIS ARMS HOLY FUCK

Duncan Keith - Tyler Seguin - Brandon Prust - Bobby Ryan - Brenden Morrow

Duncan Keith is missing a few too many teeth, to be honest. But the edge between him and Segs is razor thing.

Tyler Seguin is just… a little generic about the face? Like, I get that this is a very minority opinion, but it just does nothing for me at all. He has a nice enough jawline, I guess? But he fails to elicit any emotions in me more then the occasional “Bless”. It could be that he reminds me of my brother, by which I mean someone who give off the general impression of totally lacking in lifeskills, but somehow manages to survive anyway. (okay, that’s a lie, because by all logic SOMEONE ELSE who shall remain unmentioned should also fit that category) 

Brandon Prust is like, 90% chin and half the time looks like he should be opening a beer bottle with his teeth in a biker bar. That’s not so much a look I’m into (you can all lol down below when I try and explain Morrow)

Bobby Ryan is super adorable? I mean, I wouldn’t say he’s totally bangable (okay, he’s pretty bangable) but he’s super into wine and I’m super into wine and he seems like he’d be an awesome cuddler. I’ll even accept the guaranteed presence of cats

Brenden Morrow. This is where you look back at my Brandon Prust answer and raise an eyebrow. Because like, Morrow ALSO gives off that distinctly biker vibe, doesn’t be? But like, to my mind at least Prust is the guy with love/hate tattooed on his knuckles and punches people in the face and totally doesn’t buy you a drink after shagging you in the bathroom, wheras Morrow is the leader of the gang who calmly sweet-talks the police into not arresting everyone and then shares his whole bottle of Jack Daniels with you and lets you ride on the back of his motorbike and even buys you your own helmet AND DAMMIT ZOE STOP TYPING

Skinner - Toews - Landeskog - LeTang - Crosby

I know Skinner is like, older then Landeskog, but he really looks like a child and that just makes me feel creepy. (and when he grows his hair out he looks older, but he also looks like that kid in school who desperately wanted a motorbike but his parents wouldn’t let him.) So he’s attractive yes, but in a disconnected way?

Tazer is all about angles. His head is kind of a weird shape, so half the time he has a kind of well-dressed Frankenstein vibe that I’m not particularly into, though at times he looks well, I’ll give him that.

Landeskog is very attractive, but I’m just not really attracted to him, so…

Tanger is oh-so-pretty, but pretty isn’t really my thing? It’s quite a narrow margin though, because like these are all some attractive dudes,  but tiny picky judgements are the fun part.

Crosby…

this is my lock screen, so I’m lacking in objectivity.